i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
