he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize