So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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