if you like me you must not know who I am
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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