I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
