this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
