the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
