i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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