You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
