My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize