peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize