Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
