Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
