i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize