He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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