His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize