What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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