Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
