Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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