I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
