They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
