I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
In America we eat man semen.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
