I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
