Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
