one word: firstdatebathroomanal
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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