some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
