I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
