You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
