he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
