I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She told me I should be a condom model.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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