Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
