There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
