Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
