margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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