Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
