Kiss
Puke
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
