I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize