I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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