I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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