Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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