I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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