I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We are all done wearing pants today
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
