I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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