I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
