pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize