that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
