TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
