i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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