When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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