I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
