I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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