It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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