Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize