Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam š
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, Iām not sure how youāre gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT āTHE SLAMHOG!ā
I DONāT WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named āSlam Hogā not āThe Slamhog.ā Second, itās top of the line. Third, donāt dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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