life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My cat gives me a boner
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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