Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
