I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
