So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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