What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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