I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize