Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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