I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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