I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
