This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize