And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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