Ambien. No doubt about it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
