all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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